Silent blog

Yes, I'm still alive and kickin'. Did get an email from Lisa and my dad wondering if I was OK. Hadn't blogged for about a week. Each time I get a comment posted on my blog, and email is sent immediately to my hotmail account showing the comment. It sort of works all together. When I get comments it makes me know/feel that people are actually reading my thoughts, as mundane as they be they are my thoughts. But as the days go on, I may not post since I figure no one is reading.

This week I was so pleased not to have chemo. Would have been even better if I didn't have to work but.. A lady at my job asked me yesterday how I was feeling. Hard to explain to people. My head never seems to rest. Very tired mentally. Cancer has been in my thoughts for over 2 years. The first time I had cancer it was so different, almost easier. Strange to say that. Diagnosed with cancer, surgery to remove it followed by chemo and radiation. Bingo. I sort of had an end. The treatment was an insurance policy so to say. (guess I should get my money back!) I could tell people how many treatments I had left. Now is different. Now is similar to what Barry's been going through for over 2 years. I'm asked about Barry and myself, how many treatments do you guys have left? Wish there was an answer. But there is no answer. Now I'm able to feel the tumor in my chest area. Yes, it does seem to be smaller, but when it's in your chest and you can still feel it-it's so strange. Twice this week at work people were talking to me, asking how I was feeling. Briefly explained the fatgue (worse than being tired) and their comments were "you don't show it." I continue to try to be optomistic/cheerful. Because if you let yourself get down, one of those times you might not be able to get up so quickly.

Again, thanks Lisa and Dad for asking about me. Means the world to me during difficult times.

PS Looking forward to football season. Tim's doing bass drums and I was so pleased to finally see him play last Friday at Meet the Band night. It's going to be a good year!

Updated thoughts 6:20 p.m. (Dad, some personal comments about mom are following.)

As I enjoyed Barry's tacos for dinner (chuck steak cooked in crock pot for hours in taco seasoning) which were delicious, I got back to my continuous thinking. I once again realize that there are so many people living with chronic conditions, be it heart issues/cystic fibrosis/cancer/and of course alzheimers. And not only do these effect the patient but they also effect the caregiver. I called and spoke to my mother today on Cape Cod. Had a very nice conversation with her. She's been doing through the different stages of alzheimers for the past few years. As usual I asked her how she was doing. And for the first time she said she's been having trouble with remembering and then feeling like an idiot. We talked about how your brain can be so strange. She talked of her first day in elementary school, her desk and even her teacher. But she explained to me what I already knew, very hard to remember every day events. Again, the mind is so strange. And isn't it funny that she remembers not remembering and how frustrating that is for her? I can't imagine what her thoughts are during a normal day. How confusing she must be. I did enjoy that talk with her. Which leads to this. Yes, my mind is full of stuff but others are dealing with difficult situations daily. One of those is my father. I have not written of this before. He is the main caretaker of my mom and takes such good care of her. Am greatful that she is able to go to a senior citizen center a couple days of week. A chance for him to relax and for her to meet other people. Am greatful that he is able to cook the meals and tend to setting out her clothes to wear. See, we all have crosses to bear and do it with a positive attitude.

Thanks, Dad.