By best friend, Tim. It truly is a Grand Canyon! 

Grand Canyon Feb. 2005 

On the way to healing

I woke up at 8:30 a.m. and immediately took a shower after taking bandage off. The incision is bigger than the first one. Can see the swollen area. During the shower, I was getting sick kind of feeling. Couldn't wait to dry my hair. Did feel good to shower, but bed would feel even better.

I got right back into bed after saying hi to Barry and the boys. I did offer to cook breakfast for them, but am thankful that Barry said no thanks.

For the first time in a long time, I dreamed after going back to bed. I dreamed that there were deer in my back yard. I told Tim out in the hot tub and they must have heard me. The deer scurried away. Boy, did it feel good to dream. For once, I felt that I was actually able to sleep.

I got up at about 11 a.m. Tim and Josh had rode their bikes downtown. Josh got picked up. I continued to be dopey feeling, and I don't like that feeling. Got myself dressed and filled the deer feeder with some food. Haven't seen the deer lately, but the food does disappear. I just love my deer.

Tim had 2 soccer games today. 1 p.m. and 4 p.m. I was in no way to go to both. Barry took him to the first game. I went to bed (again) and took the phone off the hook. Lately I do that just to not to have it ring. When they came home, Tim told me that he scored from defense. Something that he has always wanted to do. Barry then went to store for some groceries for Easter.

Barry came back from store with a lovely bouquet of ROSES. Something that is not done everyday, believe me. Must love me a bit. Not sure what is going on in his head, he's a male and doesn't talk much about it. It's a lot of go through, for all family members. Tim has been extra caring today, I notice a little more touching on his part towards me. An extra hug of comfort from him. He's a true blessing.

We all went to the 4 pm. game. Unfortunately they lost, but Tim played as good as he could play. After the game, we went to Tanner's. These past 2 weeks I have not cooked much of anything. But tomorrow is Easter and we will have spiraled ham. At Tanner's I had chicken francaise which I've dreamed about all day.

A complication of the meds/or side effects is constipation. I'm one who can go at times for a week, and right now I feel that lots has gone in to my tummy and little has come out. Have to be honest in posting, so that's honesty. Have been told by Barry to drink lots of water, and nurse Maureen said to buy some senacoc. Not sure of spelling. Will do that tomorrow after church.

By the time evening has come, I feel almost myself. No more dope effect. Will try to only take tylenol for now.

It was during conversation at dinner that I asked Barry of doing a journal online. It was both Tim and Barry that suggested a blog. An online journal that has become very popular. This will be my way of communicating with all my friends and family along this journey.

Please post any positive comments as you read of my recovery. I am not sure what is in the future, but I know that God only gives what you can take. And I do believe, that in each and every day you must find something good to look at. To keep tucked in the memory. Today, it was being with Barry and Tim and knowing that next month my family will be here to visit with me. Mom doesn't think she can travel, but I'm sure that in time she will come back to God's country once again.

On my way

Have been thinking of ways to communicate to all my family and friends, on how I am feeling and how I am doing through this new journey that has presented itself to me. To me, I think it will be beneficial to keep track of these feelings in a journal of some kind. And was with Barry and Tim's help that they came up with the idea of a "blog", a new word that became part of the encylclopedia recently. Basically it means an electronic journal.

I am going to back-pedal a month or so to show how I ended up at the spot where I now am.

I do hope and expect to hear positive energy from all who read my thoughts. I must say that all your prayers are felt deep inside my heart during these difficult times. I only know that I am going to be a better person as a result of this experience.

Recovery continues

Today I am feeling so dopey/drugged. Don't understand how and why druggies do drugs. I think I pushed myself too much yesterday. I had major surgery. Just feel like I'm in la la land most of the day. Will only take pain killer in the evening before I go to bed. Not a good feeling to have.

Attempt to nap during the day. Tim is off of school today. Had hoped to go to Olive Garden for shrimp scampi, but that never happens. Just not up to par.

I call work and speak to Carrie and Jenn. Just want them to know I am OK.

For dinner I heated up some frozen clam strips. Ended up throwing them away. Couldn't even taste anything like a clam. Barry had Stouffers macaroni and cheese.

Tim had Josh Hoppe sleep over. Didn't even know he was here. Just played video and pc games. I went to bed by 10 p.m. I could hear them brush their teeth at midnight. Right on schedule.

Continue to get up many times in the evening to pee, uncomfortable sleeping.

Day after lumpectomy

Tim and I got hair cuts today. Tim got one since it was so long, and I got one as a special treat.
I am unable to wash it, so I thought it would be treat to have it done by Retta at the beauty parlor. They were totally booked, but I told the receptionist to tell Retta that I had called for appt. Within a few minutes, she called and I was able to get it cut in the afternoon. Wow, did that feel good. She and I discussed wigs. If I'm going to lose my hair, I want a perfect wig for the hairstyle that I am never able to get on my own hair. Wigs are covered by insurance. I have learned the term is cranial prosthesis. I've read that many people do cut their hair right before chemo due to the fact that chemo can make you lose hair in clumps. Barry said he wants long haired wig. Don't think that will happen! A nice strawberry colored bob wig will do just fine.

I also got Tim some track shoes since track starts next week. Tim and I ate out together and took our sundaes to go.

All in all, a good day. Time to spend with family is so important. I continue to get such nice emails from family and friends. I certainly do feel the power of prayer.

Lumpectomy

Barry and I got to the hospital for 7 a.m. Hopefully Tim will get up and out of bed on time for bus. I have the faith he will. I kissed him good bye at 6:15 a.m.

The nurses and dr. greeted us once again. Familiar faces seem so good. And my buddy Chris was there. I told him that Barry said I would do anything to see him again. His remark was that he would have someone else medicate me, since Barry was bigger than him. Just a cool guy.
And you can see through his surgical cap that they wear, he is balding on top but who cares..

I was second in line for surgery with Dr. Henwood. I didn't get started until about 7:45 a.m. from what I remember. This time I was brought into operating room and moved to the other table. Chris told me to think of something nice to dream of, I told him it would be a cruise.
He mentioned that he had never been on one before. That was the last thing I remember before waking up in recovery.

I think it was about 10:10 a.m. when I was coming to. I didn't feel as dizzy this time in coming out of the anesthesia for some reason. But I did feel more sore this time. Dr. Henwood stopped by, I asked him about recovery and he said to stay out of work for a week. He had taken a larger area out this time, a larger incision. Barry was eventually brought in to sit with me. I had my glass of apple juice.

Not sure of the time, but I was given directions again for the care and treatment of the incision and was let go. Barry ran in to D'Onofrios for some good hot soup. It was such a long ride home this time from hospital. I was sore and in need of going to the bathroom. Couldn't wait to run into the bathroom, or should I say quickly walk into the bathroom.

Barry went to drugstore to fill prescription for painkiller. I called family and work to quickly tell them that I was home. It was now about noon. After he returned, I took one pill and got into my jammies. Boy, do I love my jammies and my bed. They are such good friends.

Wasn't able to sleep much due to the soreness and location of the incision. More sore than 2 weeks ago. But that's due to it not having been healed and bigger area.

Dr. Henwood said results of biopsy will be next Monday/Tuesday. My next follow up appt. is 9 a.m. on 3/29/05.

Flowers from Amy Perell, FNB Branch manager are delivered to me.

6 p.m. Marian LeJeune and Becky Hoppe stop by with gifts. Visit for about 1/2 hr.

Barry delivers Combine Bros. to Tim and me. Mmm. What a treat.

Nights continue to be sleepless. Sleeping pill helps for a few hrs.

Test results are in/Food party at work

At about noon, I got the test results of the CT scans and bone scan. All are NORMAL. What a relief. My whole weekend consisted of things going over in my head. Not being able to sleep is tiring me down. Even after hearing those words, hard to comprehend anything. Head just spins and I go through the motions. I continue to be a positive person as that is so important now.

It's also a food party day at work. Systems and us got together to celebrate spring. Or perhaps, just to celebrate life. Truly good people are out there to help us along any path that comes our way.

Surgery is set for tomorrow.

Per Mom Kaminske's request/suggestion Tim and I visit with Fr. Philip at St. Camillus Church for Sacrament of the anointing of the sick. Wasn't sure how Tim would handle this but he's a real trouper. It was a very powerful experience. I had never thought of doing this. Never thought that Tim would have to participate in such an event. But he continues to be my strength. I can't explain it, but that evening I felt such a calmness come over me. Went to bed without shedding a tear.

I continue to read 2 inspirational books each night. The passages are just long or short enough.
And for some strange reason, usually have to do with what I am going through. Tonight the passage was the power of prayer. I don't consider myself a holier than thow person, but do feel such strength in God, especially through upbeat Christian songs. I don't go around preaching, but I do go around spreading goodness and being positive.

Day of testing at hospital

I went to UPMC in the morning for 3 different tests. CT scans of abdomin and chest, along with bone scan. I had to drink some milky type liquid for one test, and an injection in my arm for the other. One of the side effects of the injection I was told my the nurse and Maureen was this:
don't be surprised if your ears get hot or your crotch area gets hot! The nurse said that if it happened, just enjoy. If not, sorry. I am happy to say that the crotch area got hot for awhile.
Might as well have something good come out of a test!

I had asked Dr. Henwood for sleeping pill and he called in one for me. Will pick it up after work today. Can you believe ambien was not covered by my insurance. Heck, you can buy illegal drugs on street corners but not ambien by prescription.

The bone scan involved having some radioactive stuff put in my vein and to return in 4 hrs. for the actual 1 hr. scan. I could drink or eat anything in between. I immediately went to Burger King. And no, I did not get any soda to drink Tim! I gave that up for Lent. And since we are being honest, I have to admit that I went off the wagon once or twice and had some soda. Must have been the devil.

The bone scan involved laying flat on my back without moving for about an hr. as the machine slowly scanned my body. And slowly is the key word. I didn't move an inch. They even taped up my feet to keep them still.

After the scan, I went home and didn't go back to work. A very tiring day, mostly mentally.
The results would be sent to Dr. Henwood as soon as possible.

Meet with Dr. Henwood about options

Barry and I met with Dr. Henwood to go over options. A second surgery will need to be done any way. While we were at the doctor's office, Dr. Henwood consulted over the phone with Dr. Garrow. The type of cancers were discussed. I had my cheat sheet of questions, along with some knowledge that I had gained from different websites. Linda Evans and others had given me a wealth of information to look up on the web. Am thankful for any input. Knowledge can only make you stronger. Today's weight: 141 lbs.

I decided, since it has to be my own personal decision, to have the lumpectomy. To go back in to get a clear margin. Cancer free area. Trying to save the breast is what one wants to do first.
And if not a clear margin, a third surgery would be done. This could involve removing lymph nodes and/or mastectomy. Can't believe that I am saying these words like they are everyday words.

Since the type of cancer I have is an invasive/aggressive cancer, Dr. Henwood ordered three tests at UPMC on Monday in preparation for the surgery.

Barry and I had so much to think about. We ended up going to lunch at Olive Garden. Since it was a Friday, I had shrimp scampi which was out of this world. Along with lemonade.

My cancer has a name Metaplastic carcinoma

I had called Dr. Wright's office during the day. I wanted her to know that I had cancer since she had read the prior report from radiologist. If anything, I wanted her to know that they were wrong.

She had the recent biopsy report and gave me the names of the cancer. For the first time, my cancer had a name besides cancer.

The bulk of the tumor is metaplastic carcinoma (invasive) and ductal carcinoma in situ (in situ, stays within the duct) . Invasive cancer travels and therefore is a threat.

She had all breast reports and told me that nothing appears in the right breast in the reports.
Eventually, just for my own head I am going to ask for these reports. Just shows how fast this cancer can spread/grow.

Since my cousin Diane had just called me, I wanted her to know the type of cancer. Just wanted to see if the same due to family involvement. It wasn't.

I then surfed the web for information on this type of cancer. Actually it appears to be rare, only 1 percent of diagnosed people have it. Just a lucky person I guess.

Tell work that I have cancer

It was a restless night. As I drove to work, I had tears in my eyes. How was I going to tell Michelle that I had cancer? I got to work, turned on my pc and then Michelle came in to office. I think I immediately blurted it out to her. In my head I wanted so much to talk to Linda Evans, a person at the bank that had breast cancer. As others in the department came to work, it became obvious to them that I had bad news.

When Linda Evans came in at about 8:30, Michelle took me to her office and we shared a hug.
It was comforting to have someone that has been through this to be able to talk to.

After many tears, it is amazing how good people can be in difficult times. Even Matt, a new employee in the dept. came over and gave me a hug. This is from a guy who never would usually do such a thing.

I remember Carrie (a co-worker) ask me why I was at work. My only answer was that I needed to be at work. Needed to be kept busy.

It was only a short time since I heard the word cancer, but so many people are praying for me and emailing me. Am so thankful for family and new friends. New friends who are sharing their own personal stories of survival from this dreaded disease.

I believe it was my cousin Diane who said this to me: hang out with only positive people, positive attitude. She said that being positive is so important in the handling of this disease.

Words you never want to hear

Tim was at Mercer Schools today for an exchange concert. I had a message on my machine to call Dr. Henwood's office. The call came in at 2 ish, and I was given a second number if I was returning the call after 5 p.m.
Aleesa put Dr. Henwood on the phone. It was at that moment my life changed. It's not for me to say if for the better or for the worst, since that is all part of God's big plans for me. I heard the words that I never thought I would ever hear. He said that over the phone was not the usual way to relay this information, but he knew I had called for the results. I was all by myself when he said "I'm sorry to say but the tissue was cancerous." Geez, you can never prepare yourself for those hard words. I don't know where I got my strength, but I didn't openly cry. Had to stay composed to hear the whole story. As usual I got out my scrap piece of paper to jot down anything he wrote. Words like chemo/radiation/mastectomy/options... too many to think about.

He needs to go back in for second surgery to get "clear margin", cancer free on all sides of tissue. Since he was not looking for cancer (per radiologist report) he only removed the tumor, didn't try to get clear margin. I also have to see him on Friday to go over in person my "options.
" Who would think that all of a sudden I have to become familiar with such medical terms.
It's almost like a dream, but a bad one.

The first person I called was Barry. He had worked all day doing some special job at Dow Jones. I just blurted out the words "I have cancer" and he said he was coming home immediately. My next call was to Maureen. I could not bear to call my parents especially with my mother fading so fast with her memory. How much could my family take? She and I continued to cry over the phone.

Barry came home right away and I explained everything to him. Not sure of all the people that called me that day, just a blur. Barry and I had to go to Tim's concert. My head was spinning. How do you tell your 14 year old son that you have cancer?

The concert was great. Tim looked so surprised to see Barry there. It was Barry's first concert since he is usually working. Afterwards, we went out to Rachel's since we had not eaten. It was during dinner that Barry would nudge me and ask me when am I going to tell Tim? I finally just had to say the truth to Tim. Am so thankful he is as smart as he is. His first words were: but they got it when they operated on you last week. I had to tell them that they are not sure.

Tim is my strenghth. Must have something to do with how we raise him. His words to me as we entered the house: We just have to stay positive, Mom. How true and how smart a 14 year old can be.

Barry suggested that I call Dr. George Garrow. He's a neighbor and head oncologist to local hospital cancer care unit. I called him at 9:30 p.m. and spoke about 30 minutes with him. He is such a caring man. I started the conversation with: once you hear the words cancer, where do you go? He told me to get piece of paper and write down some questions for surgeon. He had high opinion of Dr. Henwood and said that he is a fine surgeon.

Not sure how I even was able to go to bed this evening. So much on my mind. A phone call can change your life in a moment.

Call Dr. Henwood for results of biopsy

It had been a few days, and I decided to call Dr. Henwood for the results of the biopsy. Actually, I thought this was a stupid and unneccessary thing to do. Thought to myself that cancer must look like cancer, so therefore he would have known it was cancer. Boy, was I wrong.

Alica, his receptionist, told me that the results would usually have been discussed at the follow up scheduled for next week. But she said that she would tell Dr. Henwood that I called for them.

Off of work for 3 days

I didn't work for 3 days after the surgery. The hospital followed up on 3/10 and asked me some questions. Did I dream under anesthesia, and what were last and first things I remember from surgery. Strange questions but must be for a reason.

I was not able to wash the area for 72 hrs. Thank goodness for hot baths. That certainly did feel good.

It felt so good to wash my hair, even though it was done in the kitchen sink.

Surgery to remove the lump

We had to be at Edgewood Surgical Hospital at 7:30. The highlight of this day was the anesthesiologist called Chris. He did Barry's meds when he had surgery there a few months ago. It's not that he is gorgeous, but just seems to be a nice and caring guy. Most of the same nurses were there that day. You feel like you have your own private care at this day hospital.
I think the procedure was about 3o minutes or so. Chris would come over toward me, take the 2 vials out of his pocket and say "I've got some good stuff for you." Very cool as he clicked his fingers on the vial. I told him that he must be life of a party.

It wasn't even 5 seconds after the anesthesia went in that I was mumbling something about good whisky sour. This comment had to do with getting nicely drunk in Cleveland the night before we left for Az. And believe me, it was a nice drunk!

Next thing I remember was trying to wake up in recovery. I could see Dr. Henwood sitting down and reading something. Nancy, a nurse would ask how I was doing. Very hard trying to wake up, but when you close your eyes you would be dizzy. A struggle. Eventually they brought Barry in to sit next to me. Dr. Henwood had told Barry that the tissue would be sent for biopsy.

On our way home, Barry stopped at D'Onofrios grocery store for some soup. Nice hot soup.
As soon as I got home, I ate some and Barry went to get my prescription filled.

I must say that I felt pretty good after going through this surgery. I attempted to sleep in the afternoon, but it was difficult due to bandaging on my chest area.

Vacation to Phoenix, AZ for 25th anniversary

We went to see Bonnie and Don, and Mel and Lucinda in Az. for one week. We got to see so much of God's country, including the Grand Canyon and Petrified Forest. It was one week that included over 1500 miles in our minivan that we had rented. We stayed in Flagstaff, AZ at a timeshare that Maureen had given us for our wedding anniversary. It's amazing how much we saw this week. Had never been to that part of the country.

It was great being able to see all the St. Laurent's and Mel and Lucinda. A real treat.

We definitely have to go back for Part 2 as Bonnie said.

We made up CD disk of over 350 pictures to show everyone. Or should I say Barry did. He even downloaded music to play along with the slide show.

Meeting with Dr. Henwood/surgeon

I met with Dr. Henwood to discuss the results of the ultrasounds on my right breast. He could only read the results and did say that surgery is an option. We decided to have it taken out.
Since we were going on vacation the end of this month, we would postpone the surgery until we got back from Phoenix. He didn't want anything to happen to the incision if we were out of state.


Surgery was scheduled for March 9, one day after our 25th anniversary. What an anniversary present. Will never forget that one!

I will go for blood work and pre-op testing the end of the month.

Breast exam by Dr. Wright

Dr. Wright had never examined the lump and wanted to feel it. She had the results of the reports and re-iterated what was in them. I immediately said STOP. I don't want to wait any more time, please take it out! She said that was an option and asked me if I knew of a surgeon.
Came up with the name Jon Henwood who had removed some fatty tissue for Barry a few months ago.

I am so glad that I was my own advocate, otherwise I would still have this cancer growing in my body and possibly spreading. If anything is learned from this experience it is this: be your own and best advocate. Don't always side with a doctor's opinion/suggestion.

She made an appt. to see Dr. Henwood on 2/8/05.

Follow up ultrasound/right breast

I am not sure of the exact date of this ultrasound. I need to ask Dr. Wright so that I can have it all written down for my own sanity.

I just know that the lump had grown and it continued to be sore.

The results showed it had grew, but radiologist report recommended a 3rd follow up. Said that these "things" tend to change in size according to periods. Again, said not to worry. Strange how something can hurt and a doctor can say "don't worry."

Will be seeing my GYN for exam of the breast in question, since she had never felt the lump.
Scheduled for 1/26/05.