Words you never want to hear

Tim was at Mercer Schools today for an exchange concert. I had a message on my machine to call Dr. Henwood's office. The call came in at 2 ish, and I was given a second number if I was returning the call after 5 p.m.
Aleesa put Dr. Henwood on the phone. It was at that moment my life changed. It's not for me to say if for the better or for the worst, since that is all part of God's big plans for me. I heard the words that I never thought I would ever hear. He said that over the phone was not the usual way to relay this information, but he knew I had called for the results. I was all by myself when he said "I'm sorry to say but the tissue was cancerous." Geez, you can never prepare yourself for those hard words. I don't know where I got my strength, but I didn't openly cry. Had to stay composed to hear the whole story. As usual I got out my scrap piece of paper to jot down anything he wrote. Words like chemo/radiation/mastectomy/options... too many to think about.

He needs to go back in for second surgery to get "clear margin", cancer free on all sides of tissue. Since he was not looking for cancer (per radiologist report) he only removed the tumor, didn't try to get clear margin. I also have to see him on Friday to go over in person my "options.
" Who would think that all of a sudden I have to become familiar with such medical terms.
It's almost like a dream, but a bad one.

The first person I called was Barry. He had worked all day doing some special job at Dow Jones. I just blurted out the words "I have cancer" and he said he was coming home immediately. My next call was to Maureen. I could not bear to call my parents especially with my mother fading so fast with her memory. How much could my family take? She and I continued to cry over the phone.

Barry came home right away and I explained everything to him. Not sure of all the people that called me that day, just a blur. Barry and I had to go to Tim's concert. My head was spinning. How do you tell your 14 year old son that you have cancer?

The concert was great. Tim looked so surprised to see Barry there. It was Barry's first concert since he is usually working. Afterwards, we went out to Rachel's since we had not eaten. It was during dinner that Barry would nudge me and ask me when am I going to tell Tim? I finally just had to say the truth to Tim. Am so thankful he is as smart as he is. His first words were: but they got it when they operated on you last week. I had to tell them that they are not sure.

Tim is my strenghth. Must have something to do with how we raise him. His words to me as we entered the house: We just have to stay positive, Mom. How true and how smart a 14 year old can be.

Barry suggested that I call Dr. George Garrow. He's a neighbor and head oncologist to local hospital cancer care unit. I called him at 9:30 p.m. and spoke about 30 minutes with him. He is such a caring man. I started the conversation with: once you hear the words cancer, where do you go? He told me to get piece of paper and write down some questions for surgeon. He had high opinion of Dr. Henwood and said that he is a fine surgeon.

Not sure how I even was able to go to bed this evening. So much on my mind. A phone call can change your life in a moment.